rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
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