There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize