Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
