office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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