Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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