dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
