Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
