oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
