I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
