when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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