Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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