if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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