I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
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