so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
