Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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