Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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