allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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