I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
