You smell like a Billy Joel song
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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