with your own penis?
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Randomize
