I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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