Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
