She is in my trunk
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
