and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
