life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
