All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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