cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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