that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
