I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
