party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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