He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
