I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
We were destined to go to rehab together
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
