I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize