If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
