Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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