Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
How many fucks given?
0.12846
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