i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
