You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
