She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
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