Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Blood and glitter go together right?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
