someone threw a dead crab at me
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
