She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I have already put on my inside pants.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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