Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
