you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
