Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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