I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Randomize
