Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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