dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
