I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
