I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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