hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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