i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
