i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
