just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
