Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
