I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Randomize
