haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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