i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Randomize