Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
