My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
