my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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