i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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